The Ebb and Flow of Creativity and Bipolar

I’ve been writing professionally since 2019 and something I didn’t anticipate was the brick walls I would face, behind which would be my motivation, my spark and my passion for creativity. Before that, starting in earnest in 2012, writing was more of a hobby, then a part-time, side hustle type of gig.

I’m not a writing machine; throughout my life, I’ve fumbled ideas into oblivion and struggled with inspiration. It happens. On the flip side, I smashed out the first drafts of Living at the Speed of Light and The Myth-Busting Guide to Psychosis in four months respectively. I look back now and can’t fathom how I wrote two books under such deadlines. Before you jump to conclusions; it wasn’t hypomania or mania fueling me. I tend to write in short, sustained, intense bursts, even when I’m stable.

Creativity and stability don’t always go hand in hand. I’ve found myself in a strange situation. It’s one I haven’t experienced for years. It’s called stability. My life has been full of desperate lows and extreme highs and not much in between. It’s been like this for over a decade. It’s true I have had periods of stability, but usually they only last up to a month. This time it’s different.

It feels strange and alien to me. I’m used to living an intense life, full of drama, fear, anger and emotional heights and depths. The euphoria I feel during a manic episode is unparalleled to any other I have experienced. I’ve experimented with drugs but nothing comes close to a full-on bout of mania. I always say I don’t need to take hallucinogens because psychosis has that covered.

Back to life being surreal right now. I’m not used to this. I’m not used to feeling calm and organised, feeling happiness without worrying it will morph into something toxic. Or days when I wake up and I feel slightly on the downside, but being able to carry on without depression creeping up on me. I feel like I can accomplish things, without obsessing over a task and becoming completely absorbed by it. I’m wondering if this is normality, or if there is such a thing. Is this how healthy people live?

I’m lucky that I have finally found a combination of medication that works for me, and hasn’t given me extreme side effects. Now I feel stable, I’m less likely to drink and fall into unhealthy habits.

I’m not always sure I like this feeling. Life feels quite bland and monotonous. It’s like my world is slightly overcast and grey, instead of full of darkness or bright sunlight. I don’t know how to act or to live like this. Sometimes I daydream about the fun side of mania and how if I stopped taking my medication I could get back to that. However, I then remember all the negatives that come along with it. The delusional thinking, the intense anger, obsessive and dangerous behaviour. There’s also that air of foreboding surrounding me that at any time I could become seriously ill again. If I push myself too much I’ll trigger an episode of mania or depression.

It’s a bit cliched to say but I’m taking each day as it comes. Life I know shouldn’t be full of extremes constantly and should be quieter. Sometimes yes, even boring. I’m grateful that I’m in this position and I’m trying not to take it for granted.