A Faulty Light Switch - Mania, Creativity and Overconfidence
What happens when your internal light switch won't turn off? Mania.
I often describe mania as a faulty light switch. You turn on the light, a stark light, a bare bulb with no lampshade. It makes the people around you squint when they look directly at it. It’s glaringly bright and a touch uncomfortable. You flick the switch to turn off the light, but it won’t work. The light is stuck permanently on, until you can find a way to fix it.
I really do feel that I’m moving at the speed of light. It’s almost like flashes strike across my vision. They streak past at a ferocious pace and feel endless. I’ll feel like I’m in a tireless race in my own mind. There’s so much to do. There’s so much to experience. My thoughts are constantly being cut down. Another competing idea emerges. Then there’s another, and another. These bright flashes in my mind feel so vivid I could almost reach and touch them.
Often, hypomania and mania can seem positive, especially from the inside. When you’re in the midst of an episode, mania or hypomania can feel incredible and create a euphoric feeling nothing else compares to. I’ve dabbled in drugs before, and nothing comes close to how mania makes you feel. Nothing. It presents itself differently in each individual, but there are a number of shared behaviours and actions.
First off, creativity. Mania gives me those eureka light bulb moments. I’ve had the sudden urge to write a novel and truly believed it would be a bestseller. When, in reality, it was just a bunch of gibberish that I deleted two months later. Although, I’ve had some of my best ideas and been the most productive I’ve ever been during an episode of mania or hypomania.
My head will feel full to the brim with ideas that I’m convinced are never before thought of, never to be repeated nuggets of gold. Mania can give you normally unattainable masses of confidence and self-esteem. When this translates into creativity, your ideas become an unstoppable force. I can’t stress this enough though; it doesn’t suddenly turn you into a creative genius.
Mania is all encompassing. Your creative ideas can take hold of you until you can’t focus or think about anything else. You become completely and entirely obsessed. I’ve spent days and nights sitting writing hunched over my laptop or notebook. I’ve gone without sleep 3 nights in a row because, I just had to get out all these ideas circling my mind. I feel like a cartoon character that when they’re thinking, you can see the literal gears turning in their head. Creativity can also be twisted and morphs into let’s say, some more unusual ideas. There was a time in my early 20’s where I believed that I had found the formula for time travel. This is related to delusional thinking, but I was in such a creative zone this is how my delusions manifested.
The problem many people find with this creativity is that when your manic stage ends, so does this creative thinking. For me, this means my life is littered with half finished projects. Without that creative spark, I often can’t find that same mindset. It’s frustrating that you can’t magic up this feeling. If I could bottle that creativity and the motivation to act on it, I’d sell it and make a fortune.
Unrivalled confidence is a huge boon to the experience of hypomania and mania. Your mind feels quicker, sharper than everyone else’s. The world around you feels slower and people seem to think at a snail’s pace.
Picture a conversation with friends. You’re out for a coffee and a chat in a local cafe. You feel the conversation is moving unbelievably slowly. It’s a struggle to stay silent and listen attentively. You have things to say, and they feel much more important than what’s actually being said. So you start talking and the words begin to flow. But there’s more and you start tripping over your words, because you have so much to say and you’re already thinking about the next 2 - 3 points you want to make. You don’t care that no one else is getting a word in, your points matter and your voice is vital.
It gives you the confidence to try new things; to go for that promotion or apply for that job. It shuns indecision, and the little friend of mania on your shoulder is telling you to go for it! You find yourself standing up to people, becoming more assertive at work and in your personal life. Again, as with creativity, it can be a positive aspect of mania.
There is such a thing as being too confident. It can come across to others as arrogance, especially if they’re unaware that you’re unwell. That little friend I was talking about, well it sometimes feeds your self belief and inflates your ego to the point where you feel like the smartest, most alluring, talented human being on the planet. The problem with this is that everyone, and I mean everyone, seems inferior to you. They’re idiotic, their opinions don’t matter and if they disagree they’re always wrong. It can alienate loved ones and colleagues and honestly, people just think you’re being a bit of a dick.