101 things I've learnt about bipolar disorder
What symptoms I've had and what I've learnt about bipolar since I first became ill at fourteen.
It is more than just happy or sad
Bipolar is a complex, long-term condition
Everyone has different periods of depression, hypomania or mania and stability
Depression will be severe and unrelenting
A depressive episode could last months
A hypomanic or manic episode could last months
Mania is not always fun
Mania can make you feel irritable and restless to the point where you might no longer sleep
Sometimes, mania might make you scratch and pick at your skin
Sleep deprivation is agony
Mania can be dangerous for you and sometimes for those trying to help you
In mania, you might feel as if you have no fear
You might have fights and arguments with random people because you have no filter to what you say
You might get run over because you believe cars should stop for you
Your driving might become reckless, and you’ll crash your car many times
When manic, you might drink and take other drugs excessively
I have drunk a bottle of whisky in my flat alone just because I wanted to
When you're manic, you might want sex all the time.
I’ve woken up my partner at four in the morning because I wanted sex
You will begin wild and whimsical projects that will take over your life
These projects will be left unfinished when mania turns to depression
You might be able to concentrate on projects for hours on end
Projects might become so important you'll stay up all night - and then the next night
You might forget to eat for days at a time
You might not eat because you believe you have more important things to do
You might lose the ability to understand the concept of money when you're manic
I have constantly been in debt
I’ve spent hundreds of pounds on a pair of shoes anyway because I was manic
Mania comes with its own special variety of intense anger that can't be satiated
I’ve punched holes in the wall so I wouldn’t punch someone I love
I’ve trashed my possessions because the anger is too much
Relationships have ended because of Bipolar
The anger might cause you to lash out and emotionally hurt the people closest to you
Anger has cost me many opportunities in education and my career
Bipolar is accompanied by other disorders
Anxiety might cause panic attacks that come out of nowhere
Panic attacks have caused me so much pain I’ve ended up in hospital
You may develop an eating disorder alongside bipolar
The combination of bulimia and bipolar has meant my weight has fluctuated dramatically over the years
Psychosis can happen when you're manic or depressed
Psychosis when you're manic can spur you on to do even more dangerous things
Hearing noises that you search for and can't find is beyond frustrating
I’ve spent hours looking for a meowing cat that doesn't exist
Psychosis, when you're depressed, can be terrifying
I will ask myself, 'Is this behaviour normal?' ten times a day when I’m stable
When stable, I will doubt myself every day
Sometimes. I will secretly wish to be manic again
The come down from mania to depression has made me suicidal
After a manic episode ends, I will be completely and utterly exhausted
This exhaustion can lead to physical illnesses
I’ve taken more time off school/work than any of my classmates/colleagues
I am constantly trying to stabilise and stay that way
Depression can be all consuming
I will spend days at a time in bed
I will spend days, weeks, or months in a haze
Your memory and concentration might be impaired
There will be whole swathes of time you might not remember
Suicide might feel like the only way out
I won't wash for days on end
I won't brush your teeth for days on end
My hair will be matted and greasy
I won't be able to complete the most basic of tasks
My home will become dirty and untidy, but I won't be able to clean
I will feel incredibly guilty that my home is a mess
Sometimes, you might feel so empty you won't be able to cry
Sometimes, you might feel too much and won't be able to stop crying
When you're alone, you might want someone to be by your side
When you're with someone, it might feel all you want is to be alone
I will recall and relive every mistake I’ve ever made
All my negative memories will resurface, and I won't be able to stop thinking about them
I will need twelve hours of sleep every night and will still feel tired when I wake up
I will be desperately tired but won't be able to sleep
Medication is not a magic wand
Therapy is not a magic wand
You might encounter side effects that cause weight gain
You might encounter side effects that make you feel like a zombie
You might encounter side effects that make your hands tremor
There was a time when I had to choose between two disruptive side effects - the lesser of two evils
Your condition might make you feel isolated and alone
Hearing people say 'I'm so Bipolar!' sets my teeth on edge
People will compare me to characters from tv and film depicted with Bipolar
You might worry about people finding out and thinking you're mad
You might worry about telling friends and family for fear they won't understand
Some people, who might be family or friends, will never understand
The acknowledgement you will never be able to change their opinions of the disorder is heartbreaking
You might worry about disclosing at an interview or when you start a job because they may find an excuse not to employ you
At one point, you may end up on long term sick or have to leave a job entirely
You might worry about telling your employer in case they don't understand
I felt deeply ashamed the first time I claimed benefits
Relying on my partner for money tore my pride apart
It could take years for you to be diagnosed
I was tested for every physical ailment linked to depression and tiredness except for Bipolar
Mental health professionals might have differing opinions about your care
When feeling stable, you might feel like a fraud and believe there was never anything wrong with you
You will have to adjust to the idea of living with the disorder for the rest of your life
When I understood the warning signs for a bipolar episode, I could get support and help before it got serious.
When I realised a lack of sleep set off a bipolar episode, I changed my sleep routine.
When I realised stress set off a bipolar episode, I changed how I lived my life day to day.
Being stable feels strange, but it’s worth getting used to it
Having people in your corner who understand and care is life-changing.
Taking care of myself is more important than a job, a toxic relationship or friendships.